“I didn’t need you.”

It felt good to say it. I felt anger and conviction as soon as I said those words.

I was able to hold on to that truth for about 5 seconds and then spoke my other truth.

“That was a lie.”

I broke down in tears.

I was sitting with Jonathan on a puffy leather loveseat and looking at the empty chair he was sitting in a few moments before. He had just pointed to the empty chair and said, “if your dad was sitting here right now, what would you say?”

Richard asked me that same question in our last session. I couldn’t find any words then. Just a rush of tears and emotions.

This time with Jonathan I was able to vocalize the two truths that have been the conflicting themes of my life.

I didn’t need my father. I was able to become a man without his presence in my life. I was able to build a family, a solid career, and lead an overall good life without his help. In fact, I think his absence is what shaped me into the father I am today.

Yet I also needed my father. I needed his reassurance. I needed his love. I needed his approval. I needed to know my worth isn’t based off my accomplishments. I needed to know that it’s ok to be average. I needed to know I don’t have to be everyone else’s rock.

On my good days, I am able to breathe in the blessings that I am surrounded with. Family. Faith. Purpose. Opportunities each day to bless someone else. Peace knowing I am loved and accepted. Satisfaction in my accomplishments. I feel these things in spite of the fact that my dad wasn’t there for me.

But then there are occasional moments, or sometimes REALLY long moments where I feel unloved. I feel resentment. I feel pressure. I feel tired from carrying burdens that aren’t mine. I feel anger. I feel these things because my dad wasn’t there for me.

These two conflicting truths are intertwined throughout my life. I didn’t need my dad. I am who I am in spite of his absence. I needed my dad. I am who I am because of his absence.