One day I can be zeroed in, focused on purpose. My eyes are open for moments of significance. My heart is full, my mind is clear. I am prayerful. I am thankful.

At some point a switch flips. I don’t quite sense it when it happens. But a couple days or weeks go by and I realize I am removed from myself. My brain feels foggy. I am removed from my emotions and thoughts. I’ve shut down again and am operating on cruise control. I can stay here for weeks or months and I guess I still “perform” at a sufficient level. I still make time for those around me. I still serve. I still make time for things that matter, but I am not really present.

In those seasons I know what to do and how to do, but I don’t always know how to be. I know how to do good and meaningful things. I know how to show love. But in those seasons I struggle with some basic things. Self reflection and self realization seem fruitless tasks.

Right now, for instance, I can’t even fully answer how I am. I can tell you about my day, my schedule, priorities, tasks. But to describe how I am doing is tough. So I’ll start with describing and listing the obvious.

I will work out at 4pm because I know I need to take care of my health. I am the guy who arranged a group date tonight because I know relationships help us grow and mature. I am the person who will take care of a few important business priorities today. I will honor a lunch commitment to mentor someone else because giving back is important. I will call my wife during the day to check in. I will visit my brother in the hospital because he is important to me. I will check my email probably 20 times today and will return multiple messages and calls.

I am responsible.

I am sensitive and intuitive, and when I tire of and from empathy, I stop feeling and being and I just continue doing.

I don’t want to say that I am frustrated. I don’t want to be depressed. I don’t have time to be tired or hurt. Anger is a mostly useless emotion.

So I walk past and away from these things and I just do.