My dad

I’m officially Benny’s favorite now- the cool parent, the fun one.  He is at a unique season in childhood where he is fixated on me.  He wants to know where I was, where I am, and where I’m going.  He wants me to be the one who walks him upstairs to bed at night and cuddle with him before he falls asleep. 

Sometimes he will wake up in the middle of the night and crawl into bed with us.  He grabs my lifeless arm, puts it around his skinny belly and uses it to “hug” himself.  I finish the job with an extra-long squeeze.

I entertain him, I comfort him, I regulate him.  I also guide and push him.

Over the years, my kids have unopened old wounds that my dad left me.  Often it has been through painful things they experienced or did.  This is different.  

I’m giving Benny what he needs at this point in his life—reassurance that I am here, he is safe, he is loved.  He is getting what every child deserves to have.

I see what he needs, and I’m thankful I’m whole enough to provide it for him.  When I hug him, it’s not just a gesture.  I want him to remember the hug and how he feels when I’m there with him.  

I feel such affection and care for him, but I feel lonely, empty.  I wish I had had that growing up; I wish I had it now.

I have so many blessings, a wonderful life, a beautiful family that is whole.  I still wish I knew what it is like to have a dad that is proud of me, that is thinking of me, that wants me to be safe, that reassures me that he is there.